TideLog Posts Tagged “polyamorous”

CAUTION: NOT suitable for reading by minors, contains mild sexual content.

Polyamory won’t always fix your problems or save your relationship, but it may help you grow.

I have had comments about my polyamorous lifestyle, some great, some not so great, so I thought I’d write an article explaining the different aspects of it. To explain it I’ve had to go into quite some detail, so if sexual content offends you, stop reading. I have been with my girlfriend, Kanako, for thirteen years. And our girlfriend, Mika, has been with us for nine and a half. Before I found myself in one, I actually resisted the idea of a polyamorous relationship—I made fun of my friends who were in “triads.” I thought the whole concept was ridiculous. But when we met Mika, my perspective shifted. Let me give you some insight into how my poly relationship blossomed.

How it all started

Kana and I met in Malaysia in 2002. I had gone to Japanese Touring Car race with a Malaysian friend, Allan Phang, at Sepang Raceway. She was working as a racequeen (pit girl), and as Allan had a pass, she invited us down. I was mesmerized by her sweet smile, warm brown eyes and equally warm golden skin. She took to me immediately, we got chatting and it went from there. She finished her racequeen tour, and came back to the UK a month later. In 2004 tragedy struck for us, and following the stillbirth of our daughter (I can’t go into detail, it’s too upsetting and personal), and then the death of Kana’s best friend Ryoko in 2005, both within a year of each other, we were both in a really bad place, and it all took a worse toll on Kana, who sunk really deeply into depression, crying herself to sleep during the day, locking herself away in our bedroom. I was scared to death that she would commit suicide, all alone in our room. So, I camped outside the room, and gave her time and space, talking to her gently. She must have felt so alone, even though I’d been there for her in the hospital, and during the hard time after Ry’s death, just being her shoulder to cry on, holding her tightly, kissing her gently, to let her know I was there with her, forever, no matter what.

Kana had made who I thought was just a good friend in Japan, who’d come over to offer assistance and friendship during our hard time. Her name was Mika, and she is the cutest girl you could ever ask for as a girlfriend. Big brown eyes, sweet petite 5ft stature, cheeky smile, in fact I actually thought she looked a lot like Kana when she smiled. Needless to say I saw how Mika made Kana smile, all three of us had a great rapport together, Kana & Mika were so cute, like innocent Japanese girls, laughing and joking. Kana even started referring to Mika as her “little Mika-chu!!”, she loves Pokemon and Mika’s name is very similar to Pikachu! I thought it was all so cute, and I really started warming to Mikachu! The way Kana came back out of her shell again was amazing. She had always been mentally strong, but even I thought there was no going back after she hit a proverbial iceberg and nearly sunk.

The night things changed

Anyhow, one night we were all in a club together, we’d had a few drinks. I noticed how Kana and Mika were being even more girly together, holding hands, embracing each other round the waist, that kind of thing. I’d gone to the toilet, come out, and caught Mika and Kana snogging each other’s faces off. They hadn’t seen me. I was both turned on, and horrified. Everything slowed right down, in fact it stopped, just they themselves carried on.

Part of me thought, “Shit, she’s fallen for a woman, after all we’ve been through! The hot lovemaking, giggles, warm cuddles, as well as the tears and fights! What the f*ck?”

And the other part of me was thinking, “Awwww, they’re snogging, wahey, aren’t they so CUUTEE!”

I was frozen to the spot, and then they SAW ME WATCHING THEM! The look of horror on Kana’s face was saddening, Mika turned away, then rushed out of the club. I was heartbroken. I felt like everything was over. I gently and calmly walked out of the club, and went back to our house, completely stunned, as you are. As it turned out, I had COMPLETELY misjudged Kana’s loyalty, and had jumped to conclusions in my head. She came back home about three hours later, with Mika in tow. Mikachu came to me and threw her arms around me. “I’m sorry, JayJay (my pet name from her which she still uses!), we need to talk to you.”. “This is it”, I thought, “this is the moment I lose my Japanese goddess”.

Kana and Mika sat down, and in a nutshell, Kana calmly but tearfully explained that she had been exploring bi-sexuality for quite a few years (I suspected her and Ryoko were closer than close before Ry died), and she had found Mika during her depression, when she went back to Japan for a few weeks to be with her real parents. She explained that she was not in love with one or the other of us, but both of us. “I love you both so much, I want you both to be with me forever!”, she choked, crying softly. Mika started crying gently then, they both cuddled sweetly, and I think I had tears in my eyes, or was it a waterfall? I don’t remember.

Awwwwww. My heart literally melted right there and then. My assumptions were wrong. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am a big softie where cute warm women, and animals are concerned. That to me, was what I lived for. Loyalty. I knew all along Kana would never betray me, the fact that she was so loyal she wanted both of us spoke volumes about her. We’d only been together since 2003 (it was then 2006), I absolutely adored the sweet little lady with cheeky playful smile, golden skin, warm sparkly brown eyes, lovely slender legs (that looked great in shorts and a pair of knee high boots!) and now I had her beautiful friend in our life!

Adjusting to poly life

As Mika entered our life, Kana and I tried to control the situation as best we could. We kept everything in our little triage, openly discussing fears, worries, loves and likes together, always involving Mika. She never felt like an intruder, as I had got to know her a lot, and actually did feel sexually and emotionally attracted to her. Equality is essential to making relationships work. If I kissed Kana, I kissed Mika. If I bought Kana 25 roses, I bought Mika 25 as well. During lovemaking it had to be the same as well, all three of us making each other happy, with no-one left out. If we were really going to do this new thing with Mika, Kana and I would have to change how our own relationship operated, it wasn’t just me and her anymore. But we had no role models to teach us how to do this thing—so Kana and I joined a Polyamory group with Mika, meeting other poly people in their relationships, whether they were guys with guys, girls with girls, or girl-girl-guy, or even more than three participants, to talk about how they did things, we even explored sexual adventures with some of the geekier ones, involving roleplay, that kind of thing.

People reach out to me all the time with questions about jealousy and insecurity: How do you avoid becoming jealous if your partner is sleeping with other men/women? I’ve found that if I ever feel jealousy, the root of that emotion almost always comes from not feeling good enough for Mika or Kana. Jealousy always equals insecurity for me. It’s feeling that you’re not good enough for something, so you become jealous of those that are. It’s like when you see a hot girl/guy in the street, and you mentally tell yourself he/she is out of your league. That is insecurity in yourself.

Jealousy is perfectly normal and human, like making mistakes—it happens all the time, no matter what kind of relationship you’re in. It’s part of being human. But at the end of the day, it’s how we react to that jealousy that matters. I constantly have to remind myself to shift the focus of my thoughts back to me: What am I really afraid of? Why do I not believe I am deserving of all this love? Falling in love with Mika—and watching Kana fall in love with Mika—taught me that there is more love out there in this world than I had ever imagined. But we struggled in the process. Three-way lovemaking is hot; three-way fighting is a nightmare.

Fights can be vicious and scary

Once, I received an email from a reader who had started dating a new guy with her girl partner. The three of them had their first fight, and she felt like her partner and their boyfriend were ganging up on her—had I or one of my partners ever experienced that? Sure we had. In a relationship between three people, it is almost impossible for someone not to feel like the odd (wo)man out.

I remember a fight Mika, Kana, and I had. Kana is a photographer as well as a Martial Arts & fitness instructor. We run a superheroine photo website as part of her photography venture, and we had just shot a new photoshoot for our superheroine site, one of Kana’s female Martial Arts instructors, Kate, had volunteered to wear my personal Superman costume, and during the photoshoot I could see that Kate’s tight rippled physique under my skintight costume she was wearing was driving Kana mad, as well as me (a woman wearing a man’s superhero outfit is hot to me!). I got Mika to wear my costume during a lovemaking session, whilst Kana made love to her pretending she was Kate. Mika loved the role as a sexy caped superhero, but it wasn’t enough for Kana and she took it a step too far. She invited Kate round to our house, gave her my Superman costume, complete with cape and boots, jumped into her own Supergirl outfit, and literally flapped her cape at Kate and then made hot love to her in a superhero roleplay peril-sex session, while me and Mika were away. She sent me pictures via email and had a blast thinking she’d get away with it.

Until Mika walked in from work early and caught them at it, that is. Kate still had my costume on, quite literally got caught with her trunks down, in a compromising doggy position with Kana, and flew out the door in a blur so fast I actually thought she was SuperKate! Mika had come home early to pack as she was about to go away for six months to work on a Japanese TV show, and we were spending a last few days together, just the three of us. I came home about three minutes after Mika, to see Kate flying out the door still in my full superhero costume (almost literally, her cape was flapping so furiously, she ran out so quick!), hearing Mika screaming her head off at Kana that she was an unfaithful bitch (mostly in Japanese, some in English!), and why hadn’t she asked first? Kana was still stood there in her Supergirl costume like a rabbit in headlights, a large strapon sticking out under her skirt! I had never seen sweet Mika-chu so angry before!

I was personally turned on at the thought of Kana and Kate in a superheroine tryst, but Mika was furious, it made her feel jealous, insecure, unloved and afraid that Kate and Kana were falling more in love with each other than with her, and I was angry that the loyalty Kana had showed the three of us at the start seemed to be fading. Familiarity breeds contempt almost seemed true. I was the one who begged Mika not to leave, but she went anyway, saying she needed time and space, after snogging my face off to let me know it wasn’t me she was angry at. Kana and me argued, me furious that she hadn’t involved her and had gone behind Mika’s back. I had assumed Kana had asked her.

Moral of the story, NEVER assume anything, it can break any relationship up, especially a super-fragile poly one.

Eventually Mika did come back once her 6 month presenter contract was up, but it wasn’t a good 6 months for Kana and me, not knowing if our cute Mikachu would ever forgive Kana and come home to us. Things weren’t great for about two months after that. I had to sleep alone, as if I slept with Kana or Mika (who themselves slept apart) it would have caused anger and jealousy. I missed seeing them all snuggled up like cute kittens together!

Combating jealousy and insecurity, and accepting boundaries

You can overcome insecurities, and make the relationship stronger. We managed to get Mika to accept other people in the relationship, first by introducing girl-girl porn into our lovemaking, and then as recent as two years ago we stepped it up by visiting a swinger’s club, where she watched Kana and I make love to another woman, where she became very aroused and masturbated to a massive orgasm. To prove my security to myself, I even shared Kana with another man, which was something I had never done before. I discovered that male-female-male spit-roasting was actually quite hot, and the massive extent of Kana’s stamina! She wasn’t just a cutie with a rippled physique, she had the power to back it up!

Obviously there are some things that are just completely out of bounds, things that are an absolute no-no. For example, Kana has a fantasy of seeing me have full sex with another guy. I am not even bi-curious, only fully straight, so that will never happen. I kissed a really handsome guy for her in a drunken sex game at the swinger club, and didn’t enjoy it, I still regret it, even though Kana still uses the mental image during sex and can orgasm over it. One thing that works for one person, doesn’t always for another. You all have to accept that and try finding other stuff that turns you on that all partners enjoy. In our case it turned out to be sexual role-play mud wrestling, it was a fantasy of mine, the girls tried it, and now it’s a regular thing, amongst others!

How to manage coming out to friends and family

People often ask me how we handled “coming out” as a polyamorous couple to our family and friends. There’s no easy answer for that, and my parents still don’t know the full story. Kana and I introduced Mika to our family and friends at our 6th year relationship anniversary, where Kana also came out of the closet about her bi-sexuality. It seemed, at the time, to be a good idea—everyone would be in one place at the same time, and we wanted Mika there, to be part of that experience with us. Looking back, I can only imagine how hard that was for Mika, and for those closest to Kana and me. And today, my advice is to use caution and not open yourself up too quickly to the scrutiny and judgement of those who love you.

While they may seem normal when you’re part of them, polyamorous relationships are far outside the norm, and it’s hard to expect everyone to just accept what we know: that love is vast, and that there are many ways to experience and express it. Polyamory scares people. For some, it challenges everything they believe to be true about love. Isn’t that what we’re fighting so hard for—the right to live how we choose? To not have my love and sexual desires dictated by some arbitrary social structure? Why should anybody tell me how and who to love?

Then, there is the ultimate question: With all the complications and struggles, why do it? I don’t have a simple answer. I have been called greedy and selfish, I don’t think I am those things. Maybe this is just part of my nature. As far as I’m concerned those men that cheat on girlfriends with other women behind their backs are the heartless, greedy selfish bastards. I’m not cheating or hurting anyone, as all three of us love, care and nurture each other. Again, the ones that call me selfish are the insecure, jealous ones, because they can’t have what they don’t understand. The last guy on social media to call me selfish turned out to be a lying cheating, adulterous scumbag hypocrite!

I don’t believe this kind of relationship is for everyone, and I don’t think that polyamory is better than monogamy, or vice versa. I just think we find what works best for us. And I am happier this way. I am happier with Kana and Mika, and I am happier that we are in an open relationship, and I get to meet and spend time with other women, although I keep it platonic. I am happier knowing that Mika and Kana get to explore and play and fall in love, too.

Being poly will not save your relationship. It won’t always solve any of your problems. Everything that scares you about it might come true. But it will also open doors inside you that you never knew existed—and it may even bring an opportunity to grow and change. And that opportunity is what I love Kana and Mika for the most.

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